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Shawna Rodrigues 0:00
Personally, I spent a lot of years being skeptical about the importance that primary relationship could have in my overall well being and happiness. I think I was rebelling against the narrative that a partner was necessary. Well, I still don't think a partner is necessary for you to feel complete, whole and happy. I have been surprised and very pleased at how much finding the right person has added to my life. Today, we are going to talk about alignment and relationships. And one of my favorite topics, The Five Love Languages. I think they are a valuable tool in helping you understand what things make you feel the most loved, and what people nearest and dearest to you may need to help them feel the most loved.
Shawna Rodrigues 0:48
Welcome to The Grit Show. Growth on purpose. I'm glad you found us. I'm Shawna Rodrigues, and I'm honored to be leading you on today's journey as part of this community, growing together as seekers and thrivers. You may have noticed my voice is still a little off. And I'm still a bit under the weather. But I'm hopeful this means I'll be in stellar health later in the fall, when I have some exciting travel and business ventures planned. Now, to our guest. Bethany Ann, is a teacher, educator, mentor, lover, mother and intuitive, who brings forth healing and transformation. After over 10 years in the medical field, she found her calling as a coach who helps divorced women find love again. She empowers them to attract divine, aligned love into their lives without the chase with the dating app. She specializes in alignment and relationships. Welcome, Bethany.
Bethany Ann 1:43
Thank you, Shawna. I'm so happy to be here. Thanks for having me.
Shawna Rodrigues 1:46
Yes, I'm so excited. I feel like your angle around dating apps is something that everyone would love to hear about for anyone who is single out there. I spoke some about alignment and relationships and the importance of that with folks who have partners.
Bethany Ann 2:00
Yeah, definitely, I think one of the key components to a healthy successful relationship is having alignment. And some people might ask, Well, what does that even mean? Like, what does alignment look like? For me, alignment means having shared values, shared visions for the future, shared belief systems, shared interests, shared hobbies. And a really important one that I feel like is overlooked is a shared or an understanding of each other's love languages. So there's a book that probably a lot of people have heard of. It's called, The Five Love Languages. Have you ever heard about it?
Shawna Rodrigues 2:45
Oh, my gosh, Bethany, I was literally going to post in one of the groups about finding somebody who knows about that. Because I love that book, I have a mom read it and made such beautiful things happen to her understanding of her relationship with my father years ago when she read it. But I think that it's a barrier because the book can be a bit dry and hard to follow. But if you understand those languages, I think it's very powerful. So I'm so excited about something that you know about and let's talk about it. And that's a very important topic for us to touch on. So yes, five love languages, it's very important to be able to understand your partners and align with what their needs are around that. Let's start with that. Do you want to share with our listeners about The Five Love Languages and helping them to understand what they are and how that can impact their relationship?
Bethany Ann 3:32
Yeah, absolutely. I do want to say you don't have to read the book, you could just Google Search, The Five Love Languages. Don't go take a quiz and discover what yours is. Like, see, there's five. So there's physical touch, though, which is mine, by the way, so I'm just really big on like hugs and kisses and holding hands, words of affirmation, which is more you need verbal confirmation, like, you know, hey, thank you, I saw you clean the kitchen, thank you so much for doing that. There's acts of service, which is you know, doing things around the house, doing things that you know, need to be done without being told kind of saying, gift giving is another one and the fifth one I am blanking on at the moment. But that's okay.
Shawna Rodrigues 4:18
Quality time. That's, that's mine.
Bethany Ann 4:20
You're right. Quality time. And that's a, that's a pretty big one too, for me as well. And so I can give you some examples in my own life, of how the love languages worked and didn't work in my relationships. I was married for almost 18 years in my first relationship. And we had completely different love languages. But it wasn't something that I realized until you know, I read that book. And this was maybe old 10 years or so into my relationship and it like light bulb went off and I was like, Oh, yes, like, this is huge. So for me, my love language is physical touch and I just like lots of affection and hugging and kissing. And, and he was good at that. But his love language was words of affirmation, and which I wasn't so good at. So when I realized, like, Oh, I really need to be like verbally praising him for everything you're doing around the house, like always see, you claim that when no one asked you like, I see you did this, those little things that you do that no one really sees, when I started to realize, like, oh, he needs some praise and reward for this. And I started to verbalize that and he was like, Oh, thank you so much. And just those little things like, that really helped to increase the intimacy and appreciation in our relationship. And so even if you do have different love languages, just being able to have a conversation around that, and what that means, you know, if your love language is quality time, but your partner is, you know, high powered business person, and they're working all the time, and they have meetings after work, and they're never home, then you're gonna start to feel like, Oh, my God, they don't love me anymore. They don't spend time with me, because your main love language isn't being fulfilled. So I think it's really important to just sit down and have an open conversation. Maybe you can even sit down with your partner, do the quiz together and find out what your love language is probably have an idea already just having heard what they are. And like, oh, yeah, that really resonates with me, like gift giving, that was one that never was huge for me. But I have a friend who that was huge for her. And even if it was just like a card, a birthday card on her birthday. You know, she, that's all she really needed. And she would feel really hurt when her partner didn't give her that. And she's like, all I want is a card. Is that too much to ask? But you know, when the partner doesn't know that, that's what you need, then how can they fulfill your needs, so you just have conversations around it. And I think it's definitely really important in understanding what your partner's love language is, what your own love language is and how you can work together to make sure you're fulfilling those needs for each other.
Shawna Rodrigues 7:08
Yes, when I first read the book, there wasn't a quiz, which tells you a long, long time ago. And when I read it at the person I was with at the time, our conversation was such that I figured out his and his response was, Well, you're all of that. You do all of these things. You're multilingual. So that was a joke for some time. And then a partner that I was with for eight or nine years, he was a very smart cookie, because he figured out that mine was quality time. And the way he figured it out, was they looking back at the relationships I ended, and why I ended them. And it's so funny that mine was quality time when my friends will tell you that I'm not a clingy person in a relationship at all, you can ask my partner like we both do our own thing and we're great like that. And that is who I am as a person. And at times there was, there will be guys trying to imply that I was trying to spend too much time with them. And it wasn't about how much time it was about the quality of the time and about them not holding sacred, something they said we would do, which is very different than how much time if that makes any sense. And that was what this gentleman decoded, it was about that quality, and about really being able to like hold sacred when we have time together, and about the quality of the time that we spend together. And so it was great when you figure that out. And my second one is acts of service, which was my father's and when my mom read it, she like, light bulbs went off like my dad is acts of service from here until the cows come home. And if you want to feel connected to my dad, doing things with him that are acts of service, doing things for him, raking his leaves, if you want to get on my dad's good side, you go rake his leaves at his house when they're dumping 20 times during the fall and is making him crazy, like those are the things that make my dad happy and mean a lot to him and he will fix your car. He has fixed so many cars. But she realized that that's what he does for other people and it would make her crazy that he was off helping people when she needed him at home. But that was his way of showing that he cared and that's his thing. And her things are gift giving, which I love my dad but he is terrible at and words of affirmation, which also is not my dad's forte, but it really helped her understand that that was the reason her cup was always empty was because of how she needed it filled and that he was filling it in different ways and just her perspective shift of her understanding that when he fixed things for her, when he did those things for her, that was him saying I love you and that was him demonstrating his love made such a difference for her. So for her even one person understanding this is what this is makes such a difference. So I think it's such a powerful thing to actually understand, and the quiz makes it so much easier.Bethany Ann:
Right. Yeah, the quiz does make it easier. Just go, go take the quiz. And I love that you said, it's such a powerful way to understand someone. Because a lot of the times when we're feeling, you know, like you said, your cup wasn't settled, it's usually these simple little things that we can tweak. It's not, it feels really big but the fix doesn't have to be this big thing. It can just be coming back to this really simple thing of like, understanding your needs, what you want, and your love language. It's such a beautiful thing. That's a cool story about your dad, because I've known other men like that, in general, who are just acts of service oriented. And yes, they're going out doing things for other people, and their wives are like, why aren't you at home doing things for me? But that's how he sells his cups, so and everyone is just so different. Everyone's so different. And so it's so great to have that understanding and awareness of what they are, what yours is, what your partner's is.Shawna Rodrigues:
Yes. And I have a couple that I think very highly of that, we had a conversation once we were out at dinner or something around the love languages. And they figured out what both of their languages were. And I was at their house, I stayed with them because they live in a different city. And when I was staying with them, one of the partners was like, could you give me a cup of coffee, and the other person paused because it wasn't convenient. And the response is, my love language is acts of service. And so I went and got a cup of coffee for them, which it was just like the sweetest thing because it was like, this is how you shall be for me, and it, and it totally worked. And that was the reminder they needed, right? Because they want to show up, they had no desire to get a cup of coffee, but they wanted to show love. So they went and they got her the cup of coffee, it's great when you get to understand that and I have a friend when I hear her talking about being frustrated around the gifts that she doesn't get, or that he doesn't even bring her flowers that I totally hear from her that it is gift giving. And it's interesting, because it's so easy to misunderstand these categories, right? So gift giving doesn't have to be that I buy you diamond rings, lavish, expensive gifts. It can be, I bring you flowers, it's that act of giving to somebody. Like physical touch does not have to be like the level of intimacy you automatically think of. It can be, it could be touching arms around you that physical affection. And so it can be things that you don't automatically think of, and like with me and quality time, it's not that you have to spend every minute with me. My fiancee will attest to the fact I love my own time. He loves his own time. But it's a matter of when we spend time together, we're together. It's not that we're justBethany Ann:
yeah, on your phones.Shawna Rodrigues:
Yes, exactly. Like, crazy scrolling through your phone instead of connecting with me.Bethany Ann:
Yeah, yeah. That drives me crazy, too. But yeah, it's such a good distinction, right? Like physical touch, doesn't have to be having sex. Like, we're at the grocery store and my partner puts his arm around me, and just that little gesture is touching to me. And it's like, oh, it makes me feel loved. And the same thing with gift giving, like my friend who, it was just the birthday card, all she wanted was a birthday card. She didn't care about how much money her partner spent on the gift. It was like, I want a thought felt handwritten little birthday card that shows how much he loved me. So yeah, you can get creative with it too. They don't have to be these, these grand gestures. And I think that's something that's important to, to recognize, like, don't get overwhelmed by the fact that your partner is wanting these gifts or has a completely different love language than you. And also, you have like the primary and the secondary, like maybe you are gifted at giving but also acts of service. So you can kind of be split between two separate ones. And maybe your partner is better at the other one and so they can focus more on the one that they are better at too. So it doesn't have to be this black and white like, I'm only gift giving, you have to give me gifts, you know?Shawna Rodrigues:
It's the distinction between the different things.Shawna Rodrigues:
Yeah, and keeping that in mind is actually easy to forget because I think that, my partner and I, we meet with having quality time, but I think that's like his second language and, and I forget I'm not meeting his first language even though he's meeting my first language. So, now that we're talking about that I might need to meet his first language a little bit more. And my second language, acts of service, he's, he's great at cooking me dinner, which is great because that's definitely an act of service that I appreciate. He may not like doing the yard stuff. He still does that because he loves me but, and he recognizes that he's doing, if he didn't know that was my language and that that's why he's doing it, he would never do it. But he know that that's my love language, acts of service is my number two and I do appreciate that so much and words of affirmation is his number one. So if I remember to speak to him, and to make sure it's about why I'm grateful, that helps to encourage that as well. So knowing those things is a big difference.Bethany Ann:
Yeah, that can be a tricky one words of affirmation. I don't know why. But I was kind of bad at that with my, with my ex, because, you know, he just needed that validation. And I think sometimes we take our partners for granted, and everything that they do around the house. And when we just, we forget to stop and say thank you and that builds up over time. And it's like, God, do you ever appreciate anything I do? When you never get that verbal confirmation. So just taking like, a second out of your day, like when you come home, like, okay, stop, like you're not at work, you're coming home, you're coming to this different space, take a breath and like, Okay, what do I need to do? Put on your home hat and help, right? Like, now I'm home, what can I do to connect with my partner? Now that you're home like you both were at work, you had a stressful day and you don't want to bring all that stress into the house, so what can you do? Stop, breathe, take a moment, think about like, Alright, what's their love language? What can I do? Do they need a hug? Do they need words of affirmation? Oh, wow, the house looks so clean today. Dinner looks wonderful. Like thank you so much for cooking. Or is it act of service, so you need to go in and step in and like make the dinner, clean the kitchen or whatever it is. So I think that's a good way to transition from go, go, stressful, busy work mode, to come home where you're supposed to be a little bit softer. And like, let's connect now and that bring that stress into the house, and so how can we do that with, with our love languages?Shawna Rodrigues:
Yes, and how much when you're not feeling the reciprocal from your partner that you stopping and checking if you're giving them their love language. And if you're giving them what they need, I have a dear friend who her love language is acts of service and her partner's physical touch. So she can get driven crazy when he wants to touch and she just wants things to be gotten done around the house. And so like, if he does the dishes, if he takes care of these things, then, then and she, it helps her to recognize that needs to be what she's willing to do as well to try and to see that, if I'm doing this, if I'm giving this, if I'm getting this, that I need to be able to recognize, I'm not getting my needs met, but I'm also not meeting their needs. And so this is what they need. And this is what they need. Yes. Yeah.Bethany Ann:
You know, I think we kind of get caught up in relationships, where we're almost really selfish. And we're just like, What can I get out of this? He's not doing this for me, she's not doing this for me. And if we can just kind of turn that around and be like, What can I give? What am I giving here? Like, how can I give more than I receive, and just start to like, flipped that script a little bit. And then that helps you get into more of that gratitude mindset. And you're like, Oh, my God, I am really thankful for this, this and this, and then you're a little softer with your partner. And that softens them, they become softer with you. And it is this whole, like dance back and forth between how can I help you and how can you help me? But I do think sometimes we get a little caught up in that and thinking like, you're not doing enough for me. And it's like, well, am I doing enough for you? You know, there's a flip side to that, too. Yeah, the love language really come in there, because they really show you, you know, how you can be of service to your partner and how they can be of service to you. So it's really, I really love the whole idea of love languages, for that reason. Brilliant, brilliant concept. And, it sounds great, too.Shawna Rodrigues:
It's a brilliant concept. And I've always found that it fits like, one of those five fits everyone that I know. And it's interesting, too, that it gets to some of your frustrations and arguments outside of just your relationship. I know I had a friend of mine who was so frustrated that her partner would come home late, and he would play with her daughter and get her worked up before bed. And she'd be so frustrated with that because it would cause her frustration. And I'm like, huh, based on 20 other things you've said, I think his love language is quality time and that's the only time he gets with your daughter, so we didn't need to have a conversation about riling her up but he does need that time with her. So we need to find another way to do that. Or your partner who's physical touch, you'd rather be cuddled on the couch with the kids instead of taking care of doing dishes after dinner, that he was kind of on the couch with the kids is his physical touch, like his love language, his connection with the kids being met. And so taking away that time completely is can make him very unhappy. Even though he is getting the dishes done. Is it trying to recognize like what's taking, you know, the problems you're trying to solve like you're trying to solve it, but this needs to get done. My kids need to get to bed, the dishes need to get done, but what you're taking from your partner, when you're doing that and making sure that you're respecting and honoring that this is, you know, they need that quality time, they need that physical touch and that connection here. And so how can we get this met and get this met and when you see it as its core need, that's how they're filling their cup. And when you understand it's filling their cup, then that's a different way to approach all sorts of challenges and relationships in new families and balancing things. So yes, that's great. I love all of this. Thank you so much, Bethany.Bethany Ann:
Yeah, you're welcome. That was a great topic.Shawna Rodrigues:
Yeah. So you named multiple other pieces of alignment, though. So what is another one that we can circle around to and talk a little more about with relationships?Bethany Ann:
I want to talk about vision, having a shared vision for the future. And that can be just as simple as like, we want to have kids together. We don't want to have kids together. We like to travel. We don't like to travel. Or even just like I want to live by the beach. Well, I want to live in Alaska.Shawna Rodrigues:
Good thing it's in Alaska, different kninds of beaches, right?Bethany Ann:
Yeah. Warm weather versus cold weather.Shawna Rodrigues:
Yeah, yeah.Bethany Ann:
So really sitting down and having conversations around, you know, what does that look like? Because a lot of us probably have goals, visions, ideas, dreams for what we want our future to look like, like, where do you gonna be in five years? And we need to make sure that we're on the same page with our partner, well, where do you want to be in five years? Do our visions for the future, do they match up? And if they don't match up, it's not necessarily a deal breaker. But where is someone willing to like, let go a little bit and give a little bit and where someone else is not willing to do that. For example, I feel like kids is usually a big one that comes up. Most people kind of know, like, yes, I want kids or No, I don't want kids. But I've seen beautiful relationships fall apart because someone actually changes their mind. And it's like, you know what, I really, really want to be a mom, I have a strong desire to be a mom and then husband, other partners just like, No, like I told you, I didn't want kids. And that's a complete deal breaker for me. So just getting really clear on what that means and then if, if you are undecided, like yeah, maybe I want kids, maybe I don't, talking to your partner, like what does our future look like with kids? What does that look like without kids? Are you okay if we have kids? Are you okay if we don't have kids? That's just a huge decision that, because obviously, having children just changes your life completely, and what you can do. And so, if your vision for the future is traveling and taking trips, and exploring the world, that is a little bit hard to line up with someone who wants to have kids and have family, right? I mean, you can make it work. Sure. But those things are just a little fundamentally different. So really getting clear on your vision for the future, your partner's visions and seeing if they align. And if they don't align, can someone compromise? Or is this a deal breaker for you?Shawna Rodrigues:
That is so huge.Bethany Ann:
Yeah. If you don't have these serious conversations, and you put them off, then you find yourself together, oh, it's been a year now. Now we're thinking about getting married and moved in together, and things are getting really serious. And, but wait a minute, we have these fundamental differences. That, you know, maybe you just had a casual conversation about, but you didn't take the time to sit down and get really, really clear about it. So having these big conversations in the beginning, you know, not necessarily on the first date. But when you feel like you're getting to the point where you can see this future, see a future with someone and things feel like they're getting more serious, just really sit down and have a serious conversation about what you want for the future and what I want. And, you know, maybe you don't even necessarily know some people are saying, I don't know where I want to be in five years. Like I have this job, I like this job, I like where I live, maybe I don't have anything in my life to change. So just really sitting down and having clear conversations about that, I think is super important.Shawna Rodrigues:
Definitely. I know that with my partner that I have now, my fiancee, we have a fun story, you have a great story that we're going to get to as well. We have a fun story and part of me finding him was me getting clear on the relationship I wanted. I've dated, many incredible gentleman, and I think highly of most everyone that I've dated. And I think that I kept looking for the person and I found a lot of great people. And I stopped looking for people, I started looking for a relationship. And I found the relationship was I was looking for a relationship and not a person. And as you talk about the vision, I had a vision for that relationship, and then found the person that fit that vision. And that's what you're talking about whether it's where you want to live, what you want to be doing. And when I did and I did the online dating, which she's going to talk about not doing that. I found the love of my life outside of that. But, when I was doing that, I actually wrote that vision of this is what I want and when I wrote the relationship I wanted, and the person that fit that relationship is so funny, because if you read it, and I did read it to my fiance, like months after we got together, and it fit him 100%. It talked about someone who could, you know, wear a tux to a black tie function and also be just as comfortable on top of a mountain campaign by campfire, because that's my life. And I needed somebody who fit that and that fit that vision. And I found that once I started looking for that relationship that would fit all of that instead of looking for just that person. So I think that you knowing what you want, and then you making sure you and your partner find that together, and that's what you both want is critical. That is great, Bethany. And so definitely, find it for yourself. And then make sure you talk about that when you're finding your partner.Bethany Ann:
Yeah, yeah, I love that's beautiful, what you said about the, you stopped looking for a person and started looking for that relationship. And you had that vision. I think that's so important holding that vision. And really just like sealing into it and dreaming about it. And like, what does that feel like to have that thing? Like you said, you need to be able to be professional, but at the same time, I like to go camping at night, so you gotta be down with that too. Like, just what does that feel like to have a partner who can do all that with you? It's really just so instrumental and like manifesting and attracting those people as being yourself on that same wavelength as those people are. And I think that's really cool that you did that. So yeah.Shawna Rodrigues:
I want to hear so part of your work is helping people to find, to clarify, to manifest so you don't need dating apps again. In the end, I did not. But helping them to clarify what they're looking for. So talk more about your journey. You mentioned that you were divorced and that tell us more about from going to that to where you are now with relationships?Bethany Ann:
Oh, sure. Yes. So I was in a long term relationship for about 18 years, got married really young. And so when that ended, I was just like, I don't even know what to do, right? Like, the modern way is the dating apps, that's what everyone does. And when I was young and dating, those two really exist. And so when I felt like the time was right, I'm like, alright, why don't we try these apps. Like, let's give it a shot. See what happens. There was fun for like, five minutes.Shawna Rodrigues:
Three minutes, five minutes. Yes, yes.Bethany Ann:
Yeah. And I just quickly became exhausted by all of it, just the mental energy it takes to like, make a profile. And sometimes it's hard to figure out, you know, what exactly do you want to write about yourself? Because what are you trying to convey on these apps? And you know, which app do you use? There's so many of them, and you're off somewhere better for hookups. Some are better for long term. And so which app do you even near, and then you get on the apps. And then it's just this, this constant scrolling, this swipe culture of like, Oh, you don't have exactly what I want, next. It's just so casual, and it feels so like, throw away. And, you know, then you find someone maybe, you like, you start messaging. And you're, when you feel secure endlessly messaging, video, like, Hey, can we just meet up for coffee and see if we have this, you know, spark in real life, and then you get stood up at the coffee shop. And so there's all the ghosting and everything. And it just, it was so overwhelming. And it was like, You know what, this is not working for me. Maybe it works for some people, but it's not working for me. So I'm going to just stop and take a break, to come down and figure out a better way, right? And so I've always been interested in all things spiritual and metaphysical. And I started learning about the nature of reality and attraction, and Stacia and, and quantum physics and all of those things. And at the same time, I realized, you know, I really need to just focus on healing myself, figuring out what my vision is, getting really clear on what I want out of a partner, out of a relationship, and work on becoming the person that I want to meet. So yeah, so I did some different healing modalities and started to really work on myself and just like stopped dating and give myself a break. And so my story here about meeting my partner. So one day, I was just kind of feeling in a low space feeling kind of down, like oh my god, am I ever gonna meet this person? How, when are they going to show up? You know, I live in a really small town too. So I was feeling like, I'm never gonna meet anyone here. So I was working on my mindset, right? Working on my mindset and meditation. I went down to the river, which is like my happy place. It was a beautiful, sunny day, last June. And I sat in the river and like, I sat there and I was like meditating and doing my thing and I was like crying in the river. And at one point, like I looked down and I saw something shiny in the river, it was like red and shiny and like, you know, caught my eye and like, what the heck is that? And I picked it up and I pulled it out and it was a rock. But it had a heart painted on it. It was like a kid had painted this heart shaped rock. And I think to that, but I just, I just started crying like happy tears, because I was like, oh my god, this is my sign from the universe that like, you're gonna meet this person, it's gonna happen. I've got your back, like you're gonna find love. And just something about finding that rock just, like, just cleared everything, I cleared all the emotions that I was feeling. And I just felt so much better. And I was like, alright, you know, this is, this has been awesome. I've meditated. I've done my thing. I'm getting hungry, it's time to go. So, with nothing on my mind, not expecting to meet anyone at that moment in time I get up to leave. I'm like leaving the river walking up the bank and I run into an old friend who I hadn't seen in over a year and I gave him a hug. Hey, how's it going, buddy? And then like standing right behind him was this like beautiful hunk of a man, standing there, they're on this gorgeous day. And I was just like, instantly attracted, like, Hey, who are you? And so, so I met Josh, my partner, he was manifested into my life that day, I feel like universe brought him to me. And so, we ended up, so I didn't leave the river, we ended up all hanging out for a little bit. And then long story short, he got my phone number from my friend, called me like a week later. And at first date, he came over to my house, and we just sat at my kitchen table talked for like three hours. And it felt like five minutes. And I feel like right away, I felt that sense of alignment where we really talked about our beliefs, our values, our visions, even just at that very first conversation, there was so much alignment and, and yeah, so we're still together to this day. And so I feel like I manifested him, I attracted him but also doing all this other work of myself and learning about the law of attraction, how that all works. And I just felt like, you know, have that special like, if I could do this, why couldn't someone else do this. And I had been wanting to get into the coaching field for a long time. And I thought I would be doing some kind of health and health coaching or fitness coaching because I'm super into health and wellness. But that just wasn't where my passion was. My passion was like, finding love, like love is just one of the greatest feelings in the world and highest frequencies, variants. And I really wanted to help like raise human consciousness to the power of love. And so I decided to like sit down and write this program, figure it all out. And some of my coaching program, Manifest Your Divine Love was born. It's a 90-day, one-on-one coaching program. I specifically like helping divorce moms find love again, because that's what I was, you know, divorced mom feeling like, I'm never gonna find love again, how am I going to meet anyone, all the online dating things sucks. All the good men are taken,Shawna Rodrigues:
so work on those beliefs. Self taught, overcome that first. Yeah.Bethany Ann:
Worked really hard to get over all those limiting beliefs and all the mindset stuff and worked really hard on that and meet someone to buy lunch. And I couldn't be happier now. And I want to help other women do that.Shawna Rodrigues:
That's amazing. I think we don't even realize what our messages are that we tell ourselves and what our beliefs are. I was at dinner with a wonderful couple that had rented the basement from a home I owned. And I went to dinner after they moved out and I was at dinner with them. And they were just, you know, perfect couple. He was a lawyer. She was a teacher. They're super sweet. And we were talking about like, why are you single, like your amazing, et cetera, et cetera. I was like, Well, you know, I'm, I'm a hard match. Like, you know, I want specific things, my background, like, there's like, you know, probably three guys in the whole world, that would be the right match for me. And they're like, three in the whole world? Like, not three in this town? Like, what are you thinking? And it's so funny, because I thought that was like, I thought there was only one in the whole world for me when I was younger. So, opening myself to three to five like, that was, I was broadening instead of really realizing oh, I guess that is kind of limiting, isn't it? I didn't realize I was you know, making it so limited that it was that hard for me to find someone and I'm like, huh, yeah, because you both thought you could be with anyone and yet you ended up with a perfect one. So, maybe I need to work on this and look at it a little differently. So, I stopped looking for the one and started looking for the relationship with around that time and so yeah, the way that we, we don't realize the things we believe until someone puts that up and like, wait a minute. Yes, there are single guys your age. Yes, it is possible. Yes, it does exist. You gotta believe it to find it. So start believing that's first.Bethany Ann:
You got that. Exactly right. And that's what we work on too. Just what are the beliefs that you have around love? Like, a lot of times, just like you said, you don't even realize how limiting they are the beliefs you're carrying around, and they really do impact what you find, you know, like attracts like. And if you feel like you're never gonna find anyone and there's no one out there for you, then you might have a really hard time finding someone.Shawna Rodrigues:
You are right. If you tell yourself that you're gonna prove yourself, right. Shake your narrative, change your narrative. Yes, I like that. It's, it's been such a great conversation. I can't believe our time has flown by. Is there anything else you want to add to this as we're trying to wrap up this part of our conversation?Bethany Ann:
I do. Yeah, I just had one saying kind of popped into my head based on what you said. I feel like there's this myth of "the one". "The soulmate", your soulmate. There's only one person out there for you, there's only one soulmate that you can never be happy with. And I just want to say like, I just don't think that's true. I think there's multiple people that can be compatible with you that you can be in alignment with. I also think there's phases and seasons of our lives. And you know, my partner that I was married to for 18 years, just because our relationship ended, it doesn't mean it was a failure. And he was right for me for a certain time in my life, but I wasn't with him for my entire life. So I feel like we can have multiple people, multiple soulmates, whatever you want to call them, multiple partners. There's just this myth that there's only the one person out there for us. And I just want to say, I don't think that's true. That's another limiting belief, right? Don't let that stop you from feeling like you can't find anyone because it's just not true.Shawna Rodrigues:
Yes. And I have an amazing person in my life who I am so grateful for. I didn't realize this was possible. And once I found it, my mind is blown. And I've had too many people say to me, like you have that. but that doesn't exist, but for you. And I'm like, No, this is an example that if you change your mind, like I changed my mind, you can ask exactly this. This can be exactly what you have. You do that to believe it's possible. That's all I had to do. It just took me a lot longer than I would have liked it to take me to believe this is possible. But once I did, this is what I got. And yes, you can have exactly this. So don't look at this and go oh, look what Shawna found, that oh, I'm gonna get me some of that. That's your response.Bethany Ann:
I'm next. She found that, I'm so happy for her. I'm going to take that happiness, feel into that and realize that I'm next.Shawna Rodrigues:
Exactly. So yeah, so Bethany found it. Shawna found it, you find it. You decide the relationship you want, you manifest that, that's, that's how that works. So, what is something that they can walk away tomorrow and implement and put into their life that they can take away from what we've talked about today? I think that probably going to take the love language quiz, if they haven't, or reflect on that in their relationship is one thing they can take away? Is there's something else you want them to take away from this?Bethany Ann:
Yeah, really stop and get honest with yourself and ask yourself, what are the stories you're telling yourself about love and relationships? Yeah, you've probably had some crappy relationships in the past that maybe you're not proud of. And you don't want to repeat and ask yourself like, Well, what was my role,and how did I affect that relationship? How can I affect my next relationship? And what are the beliefs I had about myself that ultimately are a reflection of the person that I attracted to my life?Shawna Rodrigues:
Yes, and what I believe about relationships and made it take that class, I love that that is great. Those are great takeaways. All right, that's perfect. And then for self care, what is things that you do to take care of yourself?Bethany Ann:
Yes, self care for me, I need alone time. I need time by myself, like, quiet time to just recharge. I love going out in nature. Earlier, when I was talking about going to the river to meditate, like, I love being alone, going down to the river, being out in nature. And then also for me, just making sure that I am eating well, and exercising and taking care of my body. And so that I'm feeling my best because when I'm at my best, I can help everyone around me to be their best self as well.Shawna Rodrigues:
That's wonderful. So those are great, great ways to take care of yourself. I love that. I think the examples and reminders are good. So that's why every week we ask our guests to tell us what we do. And we also, as part of our work here at The Grit Show, is we actually have a series of coloring books that we just have getting started. They're the Color of Grit, and we give our guests a free copy of the coloring books so that you can add that to your arsenal of self care items. So you get to choose. Would you like a copy of, there's two of them. One of them is the Vintage Mermaid and Magnificent Ocean. And the other one is You've Got This, which is inspirational quotes and sayings. So which of those would you like a copy of?Bethany Ann:
The Vintage Mermaid and Magnificent Ocean.Shawna Rodrigues:
It is so far, that has been the most popular one. So I'm excited about that. So we will definitely get your copy of that so you can, you can utilize that.Bethany Ann:
And as our guests want to get in touch with you because they're excited about the work that you do, what is the best way for them to find you?Bethany Ann:
Yes, you can find me on Instagram. I am BethanyAnnCoach. I also have a Facebook group. If you would like to join the Facebook group, go in the group's function and search, Divorced Moms Date without Apps.Shawna Rodrigues:
There you go, Divorced Moms Date without Apps. I like it. And we will have links to those in the show notes. So thank you again, Bethany, thank you so much for being here.Bethany Ann:
Yes. Thank you for having me. I've really enjoyed our conversations.Bethany Ann:
This is great. I love that you brought up the five love languages because I definitely wanted to chat about that. So that is great. For all of you out there, thank you for being here as well. Don't forget to jump on over to thegritshow.com to snag yourself some of our free coloring pages and work them into your self care routine. And in case someone hasn't already told you today, you are an incredible human and have a lot to offer. You are bringing value to this world. You are the only one of you that this world has got and that means something.