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Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:00:00

How many times did you apologize today? Whether it was for being a few minutes late, for speaking up in a meeting, for asking someone to repeat themselves, for needing something from somebody or bumping into someone. What if I told you those automatic sorry's might be undermining your relationships and your confidence? Today we're exploring why we need to stop apologizing by default and what might be a more powerful alternative that can change how others perceive you and how you see yourself. Welcome to the Grit show, where our focus is growth on purpose. I'm your host, Shauna Rodriguez, and I'm honored to be part of this community as we journey together with our grit intact to learn more about how to thrive and how to get the most out of life. It means a lot that you are here today. As you listen, I encourage you to think of who may appreciate the tidbits of knowledge we are sharing and to take a moment to pass this along to them. Everyone appreciates a friend that thinks of them, and these conversations are meant to be shared and to spark even more connections. I can't tell you the first time that I had my attention brought to how much I apologize, but I was shocked once I started paying attention to how much I apologized.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:01:31

I was raised to apologize. My mother, queen of apologies, very polite, very demure, very much somebody who apologized for everything all the time. And I hadn't realized how much that was the default. That was what I automatically did. And so I set out to change that. And it's interesting because when you say it so many times, it kind of starts to lose its meaning. It's interesting. We'll talk a little bit later about how I didn't even realize there's some places where I still apologize and don't realize that's what I'm doing.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:02:07

That the sorry syndrome, the use of sorry just becomes part of the vernacular, part of what you say without even realizing it. In fact, women say sorry about 37% more often than men in professional settings. In fact, it was found back in 2010, so not that recently. But I'm pretty sure it still holds up that women apologize about one and a half times more often than men. So that's kind of the purpose of this episode, is for us to look at how often we're apologizing, why we're apologizing, and the magic of having alternative ways of addressing things and how much more powerful and useful that might actually be. I know that when I started doing it differently, it made a huge difference for me. And that's actually where the Idea for this episode even came up was in one of my coaching sessions. So we talk a lot about my podcasting because it is a podcast and I have a podcast network and I'm a podcast strategist.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:03:08

But I still do some coaching with mid level managers that I love. I love doing this. And in one of those conversations, I was noticing the apologies from one of my clients. And that kind of took me on a little journey of discovering some of the research and finding out that habitual apologizers actually score lower on confidence assessments and higher anxiety measures. And I wasn't surprised when I saw that because I feel like the people I know that are more likely to apologize, my mother may have been included in that number, are individuals that aren't as confident in themselves. And that might be partly why those apologies crop up a lot. Right. And it's also found that excessive apologizing can actually reinforce negative self perceptions and lower your confidence over time.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:03:58

And so by apologizing consistently, you're actually doing harm to yourself because you are dismissing yourself and putting yourself in that position. And how powerful it can be to have tools of other ways of addressing those situations that are still kind, that are still inviting relationships. And as we'll learn a better way to build relationships and build connections, which, you know, we're all about on the grit show. Right. It's also found that it is also correlated, and this is a study from 2019, so much more recent, with decreased perceived competence in professional settings. So that when you are apologizing that people assume that you're less confident because you are apologizing, which is the last thing that you want. And I think that's one thing that I was recognizing about the apologies around the time that I was recognizing how much I was doing it. We think especially, I feel like as women possibly that we're being, we're thinking of others, we're being polite, we're being giving and doing more for others by apologizing.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:05:00

And in fact, we're actually eroding the confidence others have in us, the confidence we have in ourselves by doing that. And so that's when the conversation came up with one of my clients. That's what I saw a glimmer of in those moments of when the apology came out to be wanting to empower them, to have other ways of addressing those situations that didn't involve apologies, that actually reinforced how competent they were, that reinforced what they had to offer and gave them a different way to address the situations. So we're going to get into those three Alternatives that I think are going to be so powerful for you as you start to recognize how much you might be apologizing by default and what other ways you have to address those situations that can feel just as powerful and connecting and make a bigger difference and make building relationships, building your authority and have a profound effect on things, you're going to love them. We'll get to those. I also want to touch on the damage of empty apologies, because if you also remember, I spent a lot of time in early childhood classrooms as an early childhood mental health consultant for a large portion of my career. And there was always that forced apology of making somebody say they were sorry to somebody. That's something we're taught, that we teach our kids.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:06:20

And if you're a parent, you might be doing that because that's what you were taught to do. That's what you were forced to do as a kid. That's what you see people doing in classrooms. That's a common thing that's done right, that you go over there and apologize right now. You say you're sorry. If you are sorry, it doesn't matter if you understand what happened that you did wrong or what's even happening. You just have to say that you're sorry. And that's supposed to be enough.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:06:49

And so the non apology apologies, as they're called, and there was one, one study that really looked at that, or Lazar's work actually looks at that as a whole and it really identified four components of effective apologies that you have to acknowledge the offense, have an explanation, an expression of remorse and reparation for it. And so when you're lacking those elements, they were found to actually increase resentment. So when there is this instance that we do with kids to say like, you know, tell your sister you're sorry, tell her you're sorry. You're not leaving here until you tell her you're sorry. When there isn't an acknowledgement of the fence, an explanation, an expression of remorse, and any reparation for what happened, that just builds resentment instead of actually resolving the situation. And often we've been taught all you need to do is say you're sorry. And I think anyone who's experienced that resentment understands there's more to apologies than just the word sorry. Right? And it was also found that sorry without the accountability or change behavior can damage trust even more than no apology at all.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:07:58

So if somebody's like, what do you want me to say? I'm sorry. Okay, I'm sorry. That just that without accountability or change behavior is more damaging than not saying anything at all. So people that have pushback against apologies or saying sorry, it might be because they've had that resentment and they've had those things happen in their life where there wasn't accountability, there wasn't changed behavior, and there were just empty words. And that, that damage to trust is something that they kind of carry with them. It's kind of an interesting thing to think about, right, if you spend some time thinking about apologies because there's so many different levels and layers of apologies and like we said, sorry syndrome and what it actually means, right? So we don't want to actually increase resentment. And there is more studies that have found those non apologies can just increase resentment rather than resolve conflict, which is, you know, what we want to do is we want to actually resolve that. And so like I mentioned before, I was surprised that I still have in my life, in my language, places where I say sorry without even thinking about it, where it's part of a phrase.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:09:09

Like you say something without thinking about it. Because we have terms, especially in the English language that we say, and you're like, wow, that sounds so funny, like throwing the baby out with a bathwater. Like, what does that even mean? Why do we say that? We have interesting phrases that we just say, right? And something that apparently I say that somebody threw back at me recently is that I say that I'm sorry I'm so difficult. And I actually don't think I'm necessarily that difficult. I somebody who's been perceived by others as difficult. And so that was like a trained response into me at some point in time. And somebody actually said to me when they were frustrated with the situation and they said like, well, you said you're sorry you're so difficult. You're the one being difficult.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:10:03

And it was interesting because I was in my head going, I don't believe that about myself. I don't believe that I'm difficult. Why? Why do I say that? Because it's been programmed into me to say, sorry, I'm being difficult. And I was like, I need to be aware when I'm saying that and come up with something different to say. Because that's a programmed response that I was programmed a long time ago to say, to deflect when somebody else was perceiving something that I didn't believe or agree with and say that to. And really, in essence, I'm dismissing whatever they're perceiving, but I'm also giving fuel to that, right? And clearly it was building resentment because they Threw it back in a moment. That was not really an appropriate time to throw that back. And eventually we got to the conversation actually resolved what was really going on, which had nothing to do with that, actually.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:10:57

But it was a good moment for me to be checked on the fact that I still say sorry. I do have the sorry syndrome, just like everyone else. I've worked through it in so many other places. But I still have a phrase that I come back to that I say where it's been programmed in, that there's an apology programmed in there and that term apology in there. Again, going back to where it causes the resentment because it doesn't have any accountability for it. It doesn't have me actually backing up with anything. We're going to talk about with the ways you actually what you should be doing instead of apologizing, that we're going to talk about in a minute. And so it was eye opening to realize that I have the syndrome.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:11:41

I use the term throw it around just like everyone else does. And it is diminishing my authority, it is damaging my relationships. And it is also, in general, not helpful. And it's important for me to be aware of that. So this is when we're going to get into our alternatives to what you do instead of saying that you're sorry. And the one that is my go to that I do the most and the first one I learned that I've loved and found so helpful is actually expressing gratitude. So instead of your default pattern of constantly saying I'm sorry, that you actually expressed gratitude to the other individuals or individual involved for the situation. So let's say I'm running late.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:12:30

I tend to run late. I'm running late for something. And so instead of saying I'm so sorry I'm late, I'm so sorry I didn't get here sooner that I say thank you so much for being patient with me and understanding that I'm running behind today. I really appreciate that. That feel nice. And if I'm making dinner and I burn something, that also happens. You guys are learning. I'm just.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:12:57

I'm just not. I'm. I'm human and I burn something. My husband, miraculously, is somebody who is great about eating things even though they're a little overcooked. Sometimes he likes a little overcooked. That I can be like, thank you for eating whatever I put in front of you and being grateful for the food that I give you, regardless of how perfectly it turned out. I really appreciate that you accept things the way that they are. And I can genuinely say that and generally feel that.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:13:24

And it shifts me into the feeling of gratitude because that's where I'd rather be than in this place of sorrow and guilt and wherever place that takes me to, right? Or the dismissive sorry, right, that isn't really meaning something. And with me being late, it ends up either me feeling very grateful or me being dismissive because I am so late that it's not changing behavior. And what does it matter if I'm saying it right? So to be able to have that shift in that genuine gratitude that comes with something that you're able to say, that would be something you'd normally apologize for. Instead, you're fighting gratitude in the other person for leaving grace and space for you being human, because we're all human and those things happen. And so addressing it that way. So that's the first one for the alternative is to express gratitude instead of apologizing or falling into the sorry syndrome. And the second one is to take ownership and focus on solutions. And so this is actually one that it was demonstrated that taking responsibility without apologizing resulted in higher trust ratings than apologizing without taking responsibility.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:14:37

So just taking responsibility without apologizing, higher trust than apologizing. So taking responsibility is a better approach in these situations. And so it's this saying, you know, I'll fix this right away instead of sorry for this mistake. And it's interesting because if you've been someone who. And you're gonna say, yes, I understand this. If you're someone who has had an interaction with customer service in the last few months, last couple years, they are great at apologizing and not great at taking ownerships or having solutions. And it's interesting that they don't see how that's not helpful. But when you're in the situation of just having them say that they're so sorry and you're like, this isn't helping.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:15:32

And I think that that is the quickest way to recognize how when you're just saying you're sorry and not taking responsibility or not offering solutions, that it's not helping. So it's a really good opportunity when you're in that situation, that them just saying that you're like, this isn't helping. This isn't helping, that you can recognize that just saying you're sorry doesn't actually resolve everything. Right? So it makes it easier for you to recognize how that taking ownership piece could be more helpful. So if you are late and if you're somebody who knows the person, you're meeting needs for you to be on time. And it was important that you were on time and things happened. And you do feel guilty. You do wish things had been different because you really wanted to be there on time.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:16:23

That you recognize that. So when you show up and you're a little bit late. So let's say that you were showing up to help me prep for my wedding, and you knew that I really needed you there, and there was a lot for us to get done, and you were running late and got there later than you expected to be. That when you showed up, that your response would be to just take ownership and to say that your response would be to take ownership and say, I'm here now. I'm all yours. What do you need me to do? I can go ahead and take care of getting these flowers arranged if that's what you need me to do. I'll work super fast. We'll get caught up.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:17:02

We'll make it all happen. We'll get it together. Where do you need me? So to take that responsibility, to, like, get into action immediately is like, the way to counteract that, right? That you step in, take ownership, and, like, I'm gonna take care of this. And so you don't even have to say, like, I'm so sorry. Traffic was so bad. I'm so sorry that I really want to be here. You are important. Like, instead of all that, to be able to say, like, I'm here now.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:17:29

Where do you want me? What do you need from me? I can take care of this. We'll get caught up. We'll work extra facts. We'll make it happen. We'll get it together. And so that the taking responsibility and making it happen is the benefit, right? So I have a business, and if I was supposed to get you a document and I didn't get it to you on time, instead of apologizing, explaining all the reasons why I didn't get to you on time, that instead I get it to you and say, here's the document, because it's a little bit later than expected, will extend the timeline for you to return it to me. If you have any questions, this is a better way to reach me because I have been a little bit behind, like, so you take responsibility and this is how we're going to fix it and catch things up. And if that is a stuff that actually, like we said, results in higher trust ratings, because you're actually taking the responsibility and get it fixed.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:18:21

And if you do, solution focused. When you address this, the Harvard Business review found that that actually results in more positive evaluations than apology focused responses. So if you apologize to somebody that you didn't get things taken care of then they're going to remember the apology and that things didn't work. But instead if you say like I'm going to make sure that next time I'm on time for this meeting I'm going to start sending reminders on my phone to make sure that I stop my projects five minutes early so that I can be on time to meetings. And you'll see in the future that I'll be on time. And you set to the future and then you do that and you fix it going forward. That is going to remedy the situation and that's what people remember and that's going to give you, that's going to erase and that's going to get you and your relationships back on track and get the situation on track. And so just saying that so sorry like I was distracted and I didn't get there on time instead of saying like I'll set reminders, I'll fix it for next time and this is what I'm going to do to make it better in the future.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:19:19

So that's the way to move forward is to take ownership and focus on solutions. And that improves relationships, increases trust and leaves things in a more positive way to move forward. So that's the one that I'm constantly working on cause I'm much better at expressing the gratitude 1. Cause I've had more practice with that because you all know that I love gratitude, right? So that's the one that I my go to one and the next one is taking ownership and focus on solutions. And there's been research to show that that is the more beneficial way of doing it that you don't even the trust ratings apologizing that taking responsibility less effective than simply taking responsibility for the situation because that's what people need to be able to build trust and move forward. So the third one is acknowledging impact instead of saying sorry you're upset. Oh don't you hate it when somebody says that or implies that or like I'm sorry you feel this way, I'm sorry you like does this to be able to say I understand how that caused frustration and that's the difference too. That makes me think of calls I've had with customer service lately, right? Like I'm sorry you're upset about this.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:20:26

You know, you should be sorry you did this. Like you should be sorry your business causes to happen, right? So to be able to say, like, I understand this caused you frustration. I could see how that would be very upsetting to have this happen. And so you can say that you understand. You can see their perspective, and you can acknowledge that in most any situation. And so even with your kids, right? Even in a situation where they're upset about something and, like, it had to happen that way. Like, it's life. Such is life.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:21:04

Like, you have to get up and go to school today. Like, that's just something that has to happen, and they're having a really hard time with it. And to be able to say, like, yeah, sometimes it's really hard to get up and have to go to school, especially when we're tired and we'd rather just stay curled up in bed and it's raining outside, and it'd be so much nicer to not do that. So to be able to acknowledge those things, right? To be. It's really nice to just stay in bed. I understand that that would be really nice. That sounds like it'd be so nice to do that. I can understand why you don't want to get up right now.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:21:35

You can definitely say those things instead of. And that doesn't necessarily mean that they still don't have to get out of bed and go to school. Like, still. The reality is still the reality, but you can still do that. Acknowledging impact and instead of being able to. When somebody is upset and saying the sorry or upset is actually sounds dismissive, doesn't it? Like, we've all been there. So if I'm somebody who's late, we've acknowledged that my husband is somebody who's on time, if not early. I have other people that are on time, if not early, in my world, right? So when they're on time, if not early, and I'm late, to be able to say, like, I understand how frustrating that is to wait for me when you're so good about being on time.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:22:19

And I can definitely see how that's frustrating. And I can understand that. Instead of being like, why couldn't you just, like, do something to keep her? Why are you like, I'm sorry you're upset, but you could have looked at your phone for five minutes. I don't understand why you're worried about five minutes, right? Instead turning it into something else instead of like, no, I can see your perspective. Because people just want to be seen and heard, right? And so acknowledging their perspective on it and acknowledging the impact that whatever it is, has had is more effective than an apology. Especially when the apology can be like, Sorry you're upset. And be actually dismissive and potentially damaging. So expressing gratitude, taking ownership and focusing on solutions, and acknowledging impact are three magical alternatives to apologizing so that we can get away from using sorry and saying that we're sorry for things.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:23:10

Sorry. My computer went blank again. So I'm really worried that I'm losing this stuff. It's annoying. All right, are you ready for grit wit and what we're going to do with this? So I think that the first step, like, we talk a lot about the first step for things is awareness, right? So do you apologize a lot? I know the first time that I stopped to recognize my habits, I apologize a ton, and I did not realize it. And it was so valuable for me to spend some time recognizing how frequently I was apologizing for things. So the first step might be for you to just do an apology audit and for you to start paying attention to how much you say you're sorry, from bumping into somebody to, like, the way you get people in line when you're lining up your kids to go somewhere, that you're apologizing every time you move them, that you pick up the phone and you're apologizing for nothing that you recognize, like, wow, did I actually mean that? Or just these Just the words that I say that come out of my mouth because I've been programmed to say them, do I actually mean them? Like, to start thinking about where you're saying it, and that's the first step. So you might just need to start paying attention to how much you apologize.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:24:20

And then the second step, because we're going to push you a little bit today, the second step is to actually think about what you can sub out. And for me, gratitude was the easiest one. So I would go back and look at the three that we talked about and see which one for you is the easiest. But gratitude for me was the easiest one to start, like, turning it around and see, like, how can I express gratitude instead of apologizing? How can I build this relationship and build connection through this instead of just saying sorry? And to look at the piece we talk about with the taking accountability and to make a plan going forward to how to change things, that maybe those are, like, your next things, right? That if you're ready to look a little bit more, that you're like, you know, I'm ready to take ownership, I'm ready to focus on solutions and see if those are where you're at and acknowledge the impact, like, if that's where you're at too. So, like, to look at, like, where you're at with things and what things fit into the situations, because it's going to be different. It's not going to be the same for everyone. But to start looking at how you can do that and to be like, could I have expressed gratitude there for being late? Could I have expressed gratitude for the situation with my family that I need to figure out how to do an apology for? Or just acknowledging the impact, would that be the best way for me to address the situation? So to start thinking which those three you could possibly use instead of just the sorry syndrome and just adding sorry and then start using it. Right? And build slowly.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:25:56

We don't have to all at once. We can build slowly. So acknowledging how much, like seeing how much we actually do apologize and then seeing what we can sub in is probably the very first step. So we just want to be genuine, right? That's like the whole point of all of this is that we want our apologies to be genuine and have them mean something when we're using them. And to recognize that sometimes building trust and building relationships means that we're using them a lot less and that they need to have those four components we mentioned earlier when we are using them. So they're not just like a single sorry syndrome where it's a single word, but if it is just a single word, it's probably not the right thing we should be using. And if we're just saying sorry, that we really, we should probably be using gratitude or something else in its place and saving the sorry for when we're doing a bigger apology and working into a framework of offering more to repair a relationship than to simply offer that and to see what else we can offer instead. Because I think that's something we can work on more.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:26:56

But I would love to hear when you're working on this, like, what you discover about yourself with your. With the apologies and how you can build this in. In different ways. Because I love hearing about the ways you guys are incorporating these pieces and seeing how they impact things and see if it actually makes a difference. And if you feel like, oh, yeah, I did have the sorry syndrome and I'm very glad to be rid of it and to replace the gratitude and to see that I have more confidence in myself when I'm expressing gratitude and creating connection in my relationships versus constantly apologizing. And that it's actually a tool to be able to build relationships because I am acknowledging the others and individuals and I am making plans for the future to change behaviors if they do need to be changed. That's forward to hearing what you got out of this. I value the time we shared together today.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:27:48

Thank you for making time to be here and to continue taking steps towards growth and bringing more ease into your life. I'd love for us to stay connected on Instagram, @shawnapodcasts or @the.grit show. There's even a link in bio @the.grit show where you can send me an email to let me know what you thought today's episode. Hearing from you helps to make the effort that goes into producing these episodes worthwhile. After all, you're why I'm here and sends it been a while since you've heard this. You are the only one of you that this world has got and that really does mean something. I hope you realize that I'll be back again soon and I hope you're following along or subscribed so that you'll know and be here too.