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Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:00:00

Fall is in full swing. Heavy knows the stores are starting to fill up with all the holiday decorations, which means you just might be starting to feel the familiar pressures of the holidays creeping in. Perhaps there's a whisper of your gathering needs to be picture perfect, Instagram worthy. Or how are you going to fit all of it in? Or you just have to make sure you outdo last year's feast, whichever one it might be. Just take a deep breath. I'm glad you're here because this episode is your holiday hosting Lifeline. We brought back Mara, our joyful hostess, to help us remember back to when hosting was fun. To remind us this is about connection, not perfection.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:00:45

We jump right into the important things, like how do you keep your sanity while hosting for the holidays? And is it possible to create meaningful gatherings without burning out? And the million dollar question, can you actually enjoy your own party? And if so, how? Even talk about the sticky stuff mindful hosting that utilizes all of our resources, including human ones, other people, about how we can set boundaries that preserve our joy and how we can prioritize and decide what's important, which can help us ditch some of that pressure. Whether you're a seasoned host feeling burned out from doing this again and again and again, like a broken record, or you're a newbie who's just a little nervous or terrified about hosting your first holiday gathering, this episode is packed with practical tips and soulful insights to bring the magic and joy back to hosting. Let's transform your holiday hosting from a source of stress to a wellspring of joyous. That's the reason we're doing it, right? Let's dig and discover how to create gatherings so not only wow your guests, but also nurture your soul. Stick around to the end to learn about Mara's holiday challenge and how it can help ease your stress. A fabulous beverage recipe and a tool that might help you figure out what you actually want to do to host this holiday. I'm glad you're here. Welcome to the grit show, where our focus is growth on purpose.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:02:20

I'm your host, Shawna Rodrigues, and I'm honored to be part of this community as we journey together with our grit intact to learn more about how to thrive and how to get the most out of life. It means a lot that you are here today. As you listen, I encourage you to think of who may appreciate the tidbits of knowledge we are sharing and to take a moment to pass this along to them. Everyone appreciates a friend that thinks of them, and these conversations are meant to be shared and to spark even more connections. I am thrilled about our conversation today. We have brought back the joyful hostess, Mara Derikx. Because you guys love her. We've had her on before and then we replayed her episode because it was so good.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:03:09

So as we get ready for the holidays, she is our expert. She grew up in a boisterous family and she definitely has taken all of the skills she's learned and applied it to having entertaining with ease is how I like to think about it. Bringing the joy back to the holidays, which we all need. So we are going to have a great conversation today as we all are getting into the season and thinking about how we're going to entertain. We are welcoming. Thank you so much for being here, Mara, to have this conversation with us today.

Mara Derikx [: 00:03:36

Thank you for having me. I'm so excited to be back. I had such a great time the last time, Shawna. Like, I'm pumped.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:03:42

I love it, I love it, I love it. So as we are starting to think and formally, like, okay, the holidays are coming. We want to have joy for this. We want to enjoy this. Like, what are your first thoughts for somebody who is anxious about the thought of entertaining? We'll start with family. Like, somebody just even entertain family. They're anxious about it. Like, what are your first thoughts about the mindset they need to have as they're starting to think of how they want to bring family together for the holidays?

Mara Derikx [: 00:04:09

I think probably the first thing that comes to mind for me is auto here at joyful hostess, and that hosting is less perfection, more connection. Because I think during the holidays, it's really easy to get caught up in wanting to do, like, all the things, right. Like, my table has to look Pinterest worthy and I have to have chef level skills to create, like, this meal. And it doesn't actually have to be like that. It really is. The holidays are about getting together with loved ones. And we can simplify it, right? We can simplify. We could take shortcuts, give yourself permission to do that.

Mara Derikx [: 00:04:46

And I think people will find it more freeing when they're hosting, knowing that it doesn't have to be perfect because there's no such thing.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:04:53

There is no such thing. And being able to narrow your focus instead of trying to do all the things in this day and age when we live, like, we get to see the best of everyone's everything on Pinterest, on Instagram, on our Facebook feed. So we see and we are like, oh, I want to do this outfit for me. And I want to do this dish for this and I want to do this design for that. And so you see the 15 to 20 things you want to do instead of, like, just having one or two things to focus on and you get overwhelmed.

Mara Derikx [: 00:05:26

Exactly.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:05:27

Yes. And those are the times when you don't actually even get ready for your party because you're so busy doing all the other things.

Mara Derikx [: 00:05:33

All the other things that actually don't matter. Yeah, those are the things that don't matter. And I don't remember if last time we chatted about this, but, like, when it comes to preparing for the holidays, I think sometimes people go a little cuckoo bananas. Like, they're cleaning their laundry room and now I gotta clean on top of the cupboards and I gotta do a deep clean. Guys like your guests are not looking in those areas, so why are you making yourself crazy? Adding that to the list of an already busy season.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:06:00

Yes.

Mara Derikx [: 00:06:00

So we can simplify. Let's, like, pair back and focus on. That's one of the tips, I would say, when you're getting your home ready for the holidays, just focus on the area where your guests will be. Like, that will make your life so much easier. Don't worry about the kids playrooms or the kids rooms or your closets. Like, nobody's going in there. Nobody's going in there.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:06:19

Yes. Closets. Bottom of the list. The bathroom upstairs, back behind the corner thing that no one's going to be in does not need to have those things done. Definitely. And you recently had. So if you will get the information for Mara on Instagram and on her YouTube channel especially, are very helpful. But I love, I follow her on Instagram and it brings me joy every time I see her stuff on Instagram.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:06:42

But, like, you recently had, like, the top tips for the last minute things you do before people come over. And I love it because you actually have things that I haven't thought of. So what are some of those, like, last minute tips that you recommend that are the most important things?

Mara Derikx [: 00:06:56

So lighting your candles. If you're going to light candles, think about that 30 minutes before guests come because I feel like it's welcoming. People sometimes overdose, often overlook kind of like scent, how welcoming that is. That's why big retailers, like, use scent to entice us. Having a playlist or some kind of music going helps to avoid awkward silences. So get some music going. Make time to get yourself ready, people. Make time to get yourself ready so you're not frantically trying to finish your hair.

Mara Derikx [: 00:07:23

And people are, like, knocking on the door. Nobody likes feeling that grip of panic. You're not ready. Yeah. So make time to get yourself ready and make sure the toilet paper is stocked up in the bathroom. I would say that, too.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:07:38

And that's the one that I never would have thought about stocking the toilet paper. I think that I'm so worried about, like, the other things. I never would think about stocking toilet paper. But who wants to be running around the middle of the party trying to find toilet paper to possibly find out you don't have any. That's when somebody's going to the store in the middle of the party. Is it because toilet paper is very important. So I love that was like, I wouldn't think, like, that is a brilliant thing to make sure. Sure that you have that cover because.

Mara Derikx [: 00:08:03

You have the extra. Yeah.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:08:04

Especially because we have, like, a guest bath downstairs that I don't use often and go into. And so I might not even notice that you don't.

Mara Derikx [: 00:08:13

And then it avoids that whole awkward conversation with the guest that's like, do you have any toilet paper? And now you're, like, scrambling in the middle of your party trying to find where you've got the toilet paper stashed and hopefully you have more.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:08:26

Or somebody telling a story, like four years later at a party going like, I was at this party and I was in the bathroom and there was no toilet paper. Like shaken, trying to drink, trying to figure out how to take care. And you're like, oh, wait, was that my party? Because I remember somebody coming and telling me because they looked before they went and, yeah, so somebody might have been there without any. So, yes, you don't want to hear that story later and wonder if it was your party.

Mara Derikx [: 00:08:48

No.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:08:48

Good thing to think about in advance. Yeah.

Mara Derikx [: 00:08:51

And I would say too, like having your appetizers or your drink station, like, whatever, have that ready ahead of time, too. So that at least if you're busy doing other things, then guests can kind of keep themselves busy by nibbling on some food or fixing themselves a drink. It just kind of helps take the pressure off you if you haven't quite got everything out and ready to go.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:09:09

I like that. And you have a place to just direct them to. And I've definitely, because I tend to over plan. I've gotten better over the years about not over planning, but I'm ambitious and I'm like, we're going to have this and this and this and this and this and the last two. This is, are not needed. And I've gotten better about saying, like, you know, what? I'm not gonna put out that last appetite or that last dish because it's more important that I go get ready enjoying this instead of doing those extra two or three things. And so ultimately, I should plan less. But if you're like me and you can't help it, then it's okay to just take a breath and say, like, no one's gonna know that we didn't do the extra cinnamon on the baked brie.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:09:55

Like, you know what I mean? Like, we can let go of some little touches at the last minute so that we can enjoy ourselves. Yes. But knowing things, like the music, helps fill the awkward silences. Knowing that toilet paper is not something we want to get interrupted with, like, knowing those things is a helpful way of doing things to make it a little bit more, like, smooth and easy. Other points during the gathering. Yes, definitely. Definitely. Appreciate that.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:10:22

So tell us about a party that you put on in the last year that you feel was really successful and went really well.

Mara Derikx [: 00:10:30

Well, being that we're in Canada, we literally just finished hosting thanksgiving. That's where we do our thanksgiving in October. So we just had both my side and my husband's side over here for thanksgiving.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:10:42

Right.

Mara Derikx [: 00:10:42

Full on, like, turkey, mashed potatoes, like, that whole thing. And it went really well because one of the things that I am adamant about is that make it easy for yourself. So what we said was, everybody come, we will worry. We're going to take care of turkey, mashed potatoes, apple pie, everything else, if you guys can bring stuff. So people brought sides, and the key is, like, already cooked.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:11:06

Like, I don't want you stay out of my oven. Like, already ready to go. Yes.

Mara Derikx [: 00:11:13

And everybody brought stuff. So, like. Like, the salads and the corn and more desserts and whatever. So it was actually kind of really easy for us to host because everybody contributed. And then what's really nice about that is that family and guests, when you're doing something like that, for the most part, appreciate being able to contribute.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:11:31

Yes.

Mara Derikx [: 00:11:32

There's not many people that are like, oh, dang, I got to bring something. I mean, even if you're bringing a bottle of wine, like, you don't have to make something. You can just bring something and contribute. So that's also one of the kind of the hosting things, making it easy by asking for help or outsourcing. Right. You also don't have to make everything from scratch. So if we wanted to, I mean, my husband's learned how to make pie dough, which is incredible. So he wanted to make the pie from scratch.

Mara Derikx [: 00:11:58

But you could buy it. Just buy it. You don't have to, like, make it. You can buy it. Make it easy.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:12:02

Yes. And I really think that there's, like, this piece of you having, like, the signature thing you make so you can focus and do it well and then buy any other things. So, like, if I make amazing rolls, I'll make the amazing rolls, and everyone gets up with the rolls, but if I don't, I can go. We have the Costco rolls here. They only have at the holidays. I'll go buy the Costco rolls. Easy, simple, delicious. I know they're good.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:12:27

You'll buy the Costco rolls, and then I'll make the dessert from scratch that I know that everyone will be talking about and enjoying later. And so to, like, pick and choose the things that you're going to make from scratch and put the love into, because you stop putting the love and care into it and you get it done. And I've noticed that when I'm cooking for a lot of people under stress and doing a ton of things, like, they all turn out okay. Yeah.

Mara Derikx [: 00:12:49

You're like, can you taste the resentment in this? I don't know.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:12:54

Yeah. Resentment just adds, like, a tang you don't want to have in your favor.

Mara Derikx [: 00:12:58

No.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:12:59

Yes. So make one thing with a love and enjoy it and savor making it, and then have the other things be fast and easy or grab it pre made somewhere easy, affordable, or just have somebody else bring it.

Mara Derikx [: 00:13:13

Bring it. Yeah.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:13:14

Yes. And what are your thoughts on, like, how specific to get on what other people bring for your events?

Mara Derikx [: 00:13:23

Well, in this case, you know, we had, like, the text chain going, so it was kind of really easy for people to be like, okay, I'm bringing the corn and I'm bringing cornbread and I'm bringing salad. So that was, like, kind of nice. I would say, as the host, too, to have some ideas ready, because inevitably there'll be somebody being like, I don't know, what do you want me to bring?

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:13:41

Yes.

Mara Derikx [: 00:13:42

So you have to kind of know to fill in the gaps. But, yeah, I don't get overly specific unless somebody says, oh, I'm going to bring this, and I already know somebody else is bringing the salad, so we don't need two salads.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:13:53

Yes.

Mara Derikx [: 00:13:54

Have some alternate ideas.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:13:55

Yeah. Yes. I had somebody get very specific on what. Like, they literally told me to bring XYZ for it is like, tell me what dessert to bring. And it made me very sad because I am amazing at desserts, and I have, like, five signature desserts that I'm amazing at. And they told me to bring this specific thing, and it might have been that, like, somebody was coming, and, like, that is, like, what they wanted, but it's almost setting me up for failure, because, like, I'm sure I didn't make it. Like, their mom made it, but I had to go find recipes and make this out of season dish. Okay, I'm just gonna say it.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:14:29

They told me to bring peach cobbler to a Thanksgiving meal. And again, peach is not in season cobbler, not something that I frequently make, or if I do is BlackBerry cobbler is actually the cobbler that I make. And so, like, it's one of those type of things that, like. And I make it in season. I don't make it for Thanksgiving. So it's one of these things that I, like, had a really hard, like, I was driving three and a half hours to go to this on Thanksgiving day, so it was going to be cold when I got. You know what I mean? I'm like, why am I.

Mara Derikx [: 00:14:57

Yeah, that's weird. I don't really get too specific, right? Like, if you tell me you're bringing me a salad, I'm like, cool, like, whatever. Salad. I don't care. Whatever.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:15:03

Yes. You decide.

Mara Derikx [: 00:15:05

Is it Caesar salad? Is a greek salad? Is it a fall salad with nuts? I don't care. You're bringing.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:15:09

Yeah.

Mara Derikx [: 00:15:10

Cool. That's one less thing I have to do. So I'm not overly concerned about the specifics. Yeah.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:15:15

Yes. And so for people listening, like, I appreciate the flexibility. Like, tell me dessert. Cause you need dessert, and I need, like, those guardrails. And if you want to be a little more thing, it. Tell me pie. Like, you know, whatever else, but give me some room to, like, figure out, like, what kind of pie I'm good at making, what's in season that I can grab. Like, it might be.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:15:33

So it's kind of nice to have a little bit of, because when I was told, like, that specific, I was like, like, I don't have any of those ingredients. I had to go buy frozen peaches. Cause I wasn't gonna do, you know what I mean? So I had to, like, it was those type of things where I was all excited about, like, the signature desserts I normally make for thanksgiving or for other things, and was kind of sad that I was like, that's harder to make with love. Yeah.

Mara Derikx [: 00:15:56

And I think from the host perspective too, just make it easy and let go a little bit. Like, you don't actually need to control what cobbler or dessert people are bringing. You really don't. You may think you do, but you actually don't.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:16:12

Yes. Yes. I think that, yes, I embraced opportunity. It was a learning experience for me. So I got to learn, like, what exactly I did and experience for the river else, and it was the dessert that disappeared, so I pulled it off.

Mara Derikx [: 00:16:24

So you did a good job.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:16:25

I pulled it off, but I still think if I would have made something, and we all need that flexibility, because there's probably been years where I've been told to make a dessert, and I was like, I'm going to make my, like, five layer lemon dessert. That's just amazing. And I'm like, okay, box brownies.

Mara Derikx [: 00:16:40

Yes.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:16:41

I've had a day. Nice to have the flexibility to work with when you need to be able to have that flexibility. So it's kind of nice to be able to work with the circumstances as they may be. So having that little bit. Yes, exactly. Yeah. So what are some of the strategies for managing the mental load of holiday hosting without becoming overwhelmed?

Mara Derikx [: 00:17:05

Oh, geez. This is a really good question. I think as boring as it's going to sound, guys, I know this is going to be boring, but it's what I'm going to say next. Planning. Honestly, planning makes such a huge difference, especially during the holidays when you have a thousand things probably on the go.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:17:25

Yeah.

Mara Derikx [: 00:17:26

So when I think about planning, I don't just think about each day, what you have to do or the list that you have to make, but also plan what's really important for you about this celebration. And then I think you mentioned it before, too. Focus your energy on what's really important. So, for me, when I think about the holidays, I mean, growing up in the family that we did, like, the food, we have to like, the food is important. So I'm going to focus my time and energy and my kind of mental faculties thinking about the menu and the other things I may not give as much time to. Some people may be more about tradition, or some people may be more about, like, the decorations or the kids like, activities or whatever it is. I just think, spend some time planning and thinking about what's really important and then give yourself permission to let everything else go. Yeah, you don't have to do everything.

Mara Derikx [: 00:18:24

You really don't. And I'll give you an example of this. Like, in our own life, we used to host a really big fish fry, and it was huge. It was like cousins. And, you know, it was a lot of people coming over, and it was a lot of work. There was a lot of time. It was a lot of money, and then Covid happened, and we couldn't host it. And that gave us a chance to step back and go, do we really like hosting this? Like, is this something that we have to keep hosting only because we've always hosted it and we don't host it anymore? Like, we let that go, and, like, I'm actually okay with that.

Mara Derikx [: 00:18:59

I mean, I miss seeing everybody, but everybody who was there, like, they could host it, too. It doesn't always have to be you. So I think taking a step back and thinking about, like, what do I really enjoy? What's really important? And if it's not, is there another way that maybe somebody else could take it on, or maybe you just don't do it?

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:19:18

Mm hmm. No. Exactly.

Mara Derikx [: 00:19:20

Does that make sense?

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:19:21

No. I love that. And I think that it was actually a gift that I met you when you and I had our conversation way before I had my wedding, because I feel like, with my wedding, like, our conversation, and that gist of, like, what's important and connection is hugely important for me, and savor is. Was my word of the year when it was coming up, I wanted to savor. Yes. And so for my wedding, like, being able to savor and, like, the connections and that time being important to me because I think my little girl imaginations of my wedding was, like, this big wedding with all these people. And I've been to a ton of weddings. I've been in a ton of weddings and being to a ton of weddings and being in a ton of weddings.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:20:08

I know that, like, you don't actually get to see and talk to and spend time with the people that are getting that you're there for, to support and be there for. And, yes, you're witnessing and there for that day. But I traveled long distances for a number of weddings and barely got to say five words to the person I was there to support that I traveled so far to be there to support them, and I didn't want that to be the case. I wanted to actually be able to savor my time with the people that I wanted connection. And I recognized that even though we pared down our invitation list and made it so small that, which was shocking that I did and was able to do, but that we did that even though we'd done that, that they still needed to have, like, connection with other people there that they didn't know, because I've lived so many places and done so many different things, and because even though my partner and I have been together for like four must five years or five years at that point in time. A lot of that was during COVID and so a lot of people we knew hadn't met each other. There hadn't been like opportunities for everyone to get together. So there was going to be a lot of.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:21:12

Nobody knew each other. So we actually focused on, we had activities, we had games that are wedding. And my joke is that people are going to be, especially the boys that were boys, young men between the ages of like twelve and like 20. They were at their wedding like their poor brides one day because they're gonna be like this and the brides are like, no, you don't play games at weddings. You have a dj and a dinner because food and dancing are what matters at wedding. And they're like, no, like, there was like, they played this game and they played this game and there was prizes and there was a wheel you spun instead of having favors and like all this other stuff. Yeah. Cause we did total unconventional stuff because.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:21:51

And there was like, I still remember, like this. I think he was probably twelve year old boy, but like, he's like, this is the best ever. I've had so much fun. Look at the two prizes I got. And like, oh, they myself. He's like, I love weddings. And I'm like, I wouldn't go that far. I wouldn't go that far.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:22:07

But because like, the connection and the savoring was what was important to me and like, and the food, like, in the end, I did. We like, with a caterer, there was way more money that I planned on spending and we literally changed our honeymoon hotel from an all inclusive to like something else because, like, we took that money and put it towards the caterer because I was trusting too much over the food. And I'm like, nope, this cater will just take care of it. And my stress levels going down is worth paying for. Somebody that I know is just going to take care of it and it's going to be good. And there was no complaints and only positive things about the food, which was all I cared about, just no complaints. And that was good enough and I didn't have to worry about it. So, like, that's what I needed.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:22:47

But it was very much me deciding what was most important and like, people connecting and having fun and me not having to stress about the food was what it came down to. And so, like, so those are like, what was most important and that was what we prioritize because. And it meant like, having a small, small guest list and not inviting who I would have thought I would have invited to my wedding, because there's people who were. I was in their weddings, and they weren't invited to my wedding, which is just mind blowing that that would be the case. Right. But it was so important to me to hold to those things, so it's like. But I feel like our conversation two years ago set me up for that. Thank you.

Mara Derikx [: 00:23:24

That's so beautiful. Oh, my God.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:23:26

Look at that concept.

Mara Derikx [: 00:23:28

I could do a happy dance here. Yeah.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:23:30

Happy dance. Happy dance. Well, I definitely was doing happy dancing at my wedding because of it, so thank you.

Mara Derikx [: 00:23:34

Good. I'm so glad. I'm so glad.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:23:36

Yeah. But that really is, like, I think that that, like, that mental load of you, like, deciding what the priorities are and then just, like, being able to slide off the other pieces.

Mara Derikx [: 00:23:45

That's right.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:23:46

Yes. Sometimes it's doing less because there is so much. Yes.

Mara Derikx [: 00:23:50

Doing less.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:23:51

I love that.

Mara Derikx [: 00:23:52

And I think that time of year, like, we're talking about the holidays, even your wedding, but we're talking about the holidays. There's not enough people out there telling you that you don't need to do all these things.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:24:03

Yes.

Mara Derikx [: 00:24:04

So if anything, just remember, I want you to hear me and Shawna telling you, you don't have to do all these things. You don't.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:24:11

Yes. And that's the thing with, like, the realistic expectations and boundaries. So do we have any more, like, to say on that? I think we've given a kind of good guidance on that. But do you have more thoughts on hosts can set those realistic expectations and boundaries when it comes to entertaining?

Mara Derikx [: 00:24:26

Well, aside from being. You have to communicate. Sometimes people don't communicate because they expect people to know, like, well, you should know that I'm busy, so me hosting Christmas and New Year's is gonna be stressful for me. But if you haven't actually asked for help or you haven't vocalized that it's kind of not fair, do you know what I'm saying? So I think sometimes, and I'm gonna generalize, like, as women, sometimes we just really have a hard time asking for help or speaking what we actually need from people, and that includes people who are, like, close by and around us, you know? So my husband's pretty good. I mean, we've been married now almost 25 years, but I still have to say, like, I can't do this. Like, I need you to go do the shopping, or I need you to go to the liquor store and get, like, the stuff. And he's like, okay, cool. But I can't just sit and stew that he's not offering to do these things.

Mara Derikx [: 00:25:23

I'm not communicating that I need these things done. And I think the same goes for holiday hosting. So if you need something or if you're feeling overwhelmed or if you want that extra help, you have to actually take ownership of that and ask for it, because it's not going to just magically happen.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:25:39

Yes. I love that. And that actually goes because we're doing the podcast episodes on the four tendencies, which was the last one and the next one. We're bookending this with that. And I think that one thing I've realized with my husband is that he is an upholder. At least I'm pretty sure he is an upholder. And with him being upholder, like, he needs really clear what the expectations are. And with that, if I'm ever feeling guilty or not wanting to ask for help, and earlier in my life, this is like a skill I've only learned in the last 510 years.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:26:12

I'm not good at asking for help, and we're not good at asking for help. You're not clear when you're asking for help. And so. And I'm also a questioner. And so then I also have, like, well, like, we could do this for dinner, or we could do that. Or if you could maybe pick this up, or maybe this would work. Or that would know. He needs a picture of I need this kind of butter, I need this kind of milk.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:26:33

I need this exact thing. Pick up this. And if I tell him I need this, pick up this. He will pick up this. It also means. It also means this has been a funny thing in our relationship. So I'll give an example from years ago. So my uncle was coming to visit, and he loves Alaskan Amber.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:26:48

And so specific. Can you pick up Alaskan Amber? Because my uncle's going to be in town for him. He went to six different stores looking for alaskan amber and was gone for an hour and a half, and I needed him home. There also needs to be. I would like alaskan amber, if you could look at two stores for that. If you don't find it, don't worry about it. Or get this instead.

Mara Derikx [: 00:27:08

Yeah.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:27:08

Or if you don't find after two stores, call me like. Or something like, you know what I mean? So there is a funny, like, because he is, like, he will do what he is told, and he will do that for 5 hours to look for that. He will drive to a town, five over. Not really, but he will, like, he will hunt down and make it happen. And so it's so funny because me knowing that. Oh. Cause I'm like, what? Like, no. I would look at one and it was not there.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:27:31

I'd just be like, oh, I didn't find it. And other people, because, like, you know, knowing who your audience is, somebody else will like, oh, yeah, it wasn't there. Like, and I'm like, no, but I. But I can't finish this dish if I don't have whipped cream. Why didn't you just go to a different store and get whipped cream? Right. There might be more than one step to being clear sometimes.

Mara Derikx [: 00:27:49

Sure, agreed. Yeah.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:27:52

Yes. But no, that's very helpful. But bit asking for help and being very clear about how important sometimes something it is. Say, like, hey, love, on your way home, like, I'm making this pie. I need whipped cream. Make sure you get whipped cream in the carton in the refrigerator section. Like, not frozen, not, not cool with, not the spray can, the cart. And they're like, yeah, so those pieces is.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:28:16

Yeah, it's important to be able to ask for that and to get that. How important. Know how important is for you, too. For you to be like, oh, well, actually, like, if you don't find it, I'll just. I'll make the box.

Mara Derikx [: 00:28:26

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. We'll figure something else out.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:28:29

Yes, exactly. But having those pieces that, you know and being able to accept help is a big piece of it. And I know that we talked about this the last time we talked about, too, but we talked about assignments for kids. And I think that that's, like, a valuable, like, know your resources and be able to use them. So we talked about, like, relatives bringing dishes. And this works, too. When you're having parties with friends, like, knowing what other people can bring and thinking through that. I think that's part of the mental load, too, is as you're driving and thinking through the event to be like, who are my resources? What else can they do when they bring.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:29:03

And remembering that your kids are resources, too, I just saw, like, a really great article about kids who do chores and, like, how much more successful they are in life because they do that. And I saw another article that was talking about teaching kids the mental load of chores. And that the first step is noticing something needs to get done, because even with chore charts, like, mom's the one that's noticing that the counter needs to get cleaned off. And so starting to, like, even teach kids about. So what does that look like when things start to give? What do you think that it needs to be cleaned. Like, what's the point that doing that, because we don't. We're so automatic with these things that we don't recognize that we've learned these things, and we have to teach these to our children, regardless of gender, of, like, when they need to start recognizing this piece. So for party planning, like, with kids, and entertaining, like, what are some ideas about ways that kids can chip in?

Mara Derikx [: 00:29:51

When my kids were younger, they really loved setting the table, and. Which was great. I mean, that was a great help because they would set the table. Not only did they learn a skill, right, how to set a table, but then they had this sense of pride when people came. They were like, we set the table. I think you can get your kids involved in. I mean, it's the holidays, right? Have them help you, like, wrap gifts or write cards or decorate. I think there's lots of ways you can get them involved without having to be you specifically.

Mara Derikx [: 00:30:20

But that also means having to let go of your expectation or your perfectionism around something. So you have to be prepared to do that too. So if you're going to let them, for instance, set the table, because I tend to be a little bit of a perfectionist, which I'm recovering from, but it took a lot in me not to want to go in there and, like, rearrange things.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:30:39

You know what I'm saying?

Mara Derikx [: 00:30:41

What?

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:30:42

What? Rearrange.

Mara Derikx [: 00:30:43

Oh, you put the napkin on top of the plate. Okay. All right. Or these don't match, or.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:30:49

Yes.

Mara Derikx [: 00:30:50

Why didn't you space out like, these? You put all the matching plates on one side and the other ones on the other instead of mixing them up. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, those little things where I'm like, okay, we gotta let that go, because that's actually not important. What was more important is that they participated and were part of this.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:31:04

So the connection. But, yeah, I want to know, like, what is most important for you, right. If your thing is that you want this, like, picked picture from how the table was set before everyone did, and that is for you, that in your mind that you're gonna put that on Instagram, then don't have your kids help set the table in the dining room. Like, have them set up the beverage table. Right. You know, organize that or have them decorate, like, some little piece. When people first walk in.

Mara Derikx [: 00:31:30

Make a sign for the door to welcome the guests, or have them do something like that. That's super cute.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:31:35

Like, yeah, decide what's important to you, and then know what and that helps you recognize that you can't have everything be important to you. You need to decide what's important to you and do that. And that's just good and healthy for us overall to know what we can let go of. I think that the toilet paper check is something I could assign to kids right beforehand.

Mara Derikx [: 00:31:51

You're right. You definitely could. Definitely.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:31:53

You guys can take care of the toilet paper check. That's a great thing for you to do. Great thing for you, too. We had a tradition for, and I probably mentioned this when we talked to you for holiday dinners specifically, that we would have the kids go and get the drink orders. So that depended on ages. They wouldn't always do that. But we literally have them, like, get, like, little. Cause we have little aprons for them to put on.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:32:11

Little aprons. And they get, like, a little notepad and a pen would go around and, like, write down root beer, or they would write down, like, if somebody wanted the eggnog or if they wanted a drink, what the drink was, and then they would have an adult, and then we'd assign an adult who walked in the door that they would be fixing the drinks, but, like, you know, you walk in the door, you get an assignment. So they would. They would go get those assignments and do that piece, and it was this great little way for the kids to be involved that they're old enough to. Right. But not necessarily pour the drinks and fix the drinks, and then we'd have them bring the drinks to the people to do.

Mara Derikx [: 00:32:41

That's adorable. I love that.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:32:43

That was their little piece that they were involved in. So it's kind of fun to find, like, something that they can be in charge of or involved in. Or maybe, like, if you don't care about. If you do have, like, if you have a charcuterie board that you've prepared, that probably should be what you prepared, but if you were actually doing, like, hot appetizers that you're doing or whatever else, then that's your thing. But if you're doing something that's, like, we're just kind of a teacher cracker board, and they could put that together however they want to.

Mara Derikx [: 00:33:07

Like.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:33:07

Yeah, like, like something that they can do that it's. You don't mind how that works. Or maybe they do, like, the kids table of snacks that they put together and so that table can look a little different if there's going to be a kids table of snacks.

Mara Derikx [: 00:33:20

Yeah, I like that idea, too.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:33:22

Yes. We can get them involved in a way that, like, a little bit more. Whatever else. Yes. So for people that are like, I love these ideas of taking up the mental load a little bit and spreading things out a little bit, get more people involved. But what are the tips for, like, bringing the joy back into the hosting? So that for people who've lost their enthusiasm, I know that when we talked before, it was, like, after Covid kind of getting back into the groove with it. But, like, how can people bring back the joy? Like, I still remember that when the where are you, Christmas song that came back, when it came out with the Grinch movie that I was like, oh, I feel that. Like, where are you, Christmas? Where's the joy that I used to have when I was a kid? Like, so bring back the joy and the enthusiasm with this.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:34:01

Like, what are your thoughts around that?

Mara Derikx [: 00:34:03

Okay, this is kind of a tough one, because at the same time, recognizing that maybe you just need a break, you know, maybe you're just a little bit burnt out. You need a break, and that's okay. So I don't want to say, like, you just have to muscle through and find a way. Like, that's. Maybe you just need a break. So maybe this year is not your year. Like, to do it, that's completely fine. But if it's something that you want to tiptoe back into, then maybe you start with something small, and maybe you start with people who are closest to you.

Mara Derikx [: 00:34:35

Do you know what I'm saying? Like, maybe have your best girlfriends over, and you're gonna, like, I don't know, do something like Christmas craft and have hot chocolate or wine or whatever night. Like, start with something like that. Or maybe instead of hosting at your. Maybe you go somewhere else. So maybe you think of an idea and be like, hey, let's go see a play, and before that, we'll go do this, and you're gonna organize it, gonna do a wine tasting tour. So it's not something that you have to, like, do at your house, but you are facilitating that.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:35:09

Yes. I love it.

Mara Derikx [: 00:35:11

You know what I mean? So it just kind of gets you back in the groove of connecting without all those moving parts that come with hosting at your home.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:35:18

Yes.

Mara Derikx [: 00:35:19

Does that make sense?

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:35:20

Don't have to clean. Don't have to clean. Yeah, I love that. Yes, I love that. And I think that it is like going back to what brings you the most joy. Like, if. So if Thanksgiving is your holiday, if Christmas is your holiday, if Hanukkah is your holiday, if New Year's is your holiday, like, whatever was is your favorite holiday, because they're all coming up, right? Like, which one is your favorite? Pick your favorite, and then go back to, like, what brought you the most joy around it? Was it that you went and saw the nutcracker at one point in time and it was so much fun for you. Was it that, you know, you have this one memory of wrapping gifts, like, with people watching Christmas movies, and you really enjoy the Christmas movies.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:36:04

Is it that there's this one Thanksgiving, and really was just the pie. And so maybe you just want to have your friends over for pie the Sunday after Thanksgiving and just your friends, you know? So, like, so what is the one thing that you enjoy? And maybe you'd rather just go have a high tea somewhere where you live with just your three closest girlfriends and go holiday shopping together and have high tea and just do that. Or just you and your girlfriends buy yourselves a gift. Yourself. You a gift. Nobody. You buy yourself a gift. You all wrap your own gift, and you all go have happy hour, and you open your gifts together, and that is your holiday celebration this year.

Mara Derikx [: 00:36:43

Mm hmm. I had, um, I had a girlfriend do. It was remember, like, oprah's favorite things. Do you remember that? Okay. At Christmas time. So she did a favorite things party at her house. But the deal was everything had to be less than $10, and you had to buy that favorite thing for everybody there. So, like, some people, like, one of my girlfriends was like, this is my favorite tea ever.

Mara Derikx [: 00:37:09

And everybody got, like, her favorite tea, and another friend was like, I love this chapstick so much. I have it in my purse, I have it in my car. And everybody got one of her favorite chapsticks. So it was like, these little things that were your favorite things. And I thought that was just, like, that was such a great way to get together. And you're also exposing your friends to things that you love that maybe they wouldn't have tried otherwise. I don't know. It was just a really great, inexpensive party for us to all get together and try something new.

Mara Derikx [: 00:37:39

I love. Isn't that great?

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:37:40

I so want to do that. Yes. If I did. So I moved. I moved to a new place, like, a year ago, and I was like, oh, my gosh, if I lived something and had, like, a close group of girlfriends, I'd totally be doing that this year. And I'd want to get, like, stockings or a cool mug or cool thing to put them all in. That'd be so much fun. I love that idea.

Mara Derikx [: 00:37:59

Yes. It didn't have to be expensive. Like, yes, it's just cute stuff.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:38:03

Yes. I have this mascara that I love. I'd buy everybody the mascara that I love.

Mara Derikx [: 00:38:07

My one friend bought us a primer, like, eyeshadow primer, which I never thought about in my life to use eyeshadow primer. But now that I have it, I'm like, how did I not know about this product?

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:38:17

Yeah, I love it. I love. Yes, I love the favorite things and just doing, because that's such a fun way to introduce everybody to something like that and spread that joy. See, that's definitely a joy. That's definitely a joy thing. I love it. That is a joy thing. But find, like, what you actually love and is that little piece of joy that.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:38:35

Yeah. Focusing on stockings is what I've done before when I want to get back to that, and then I got overwhelming, so I'm like, oh, this year, we're not doing stockings. So, like, you know, figuring out, like, and giving yourself permission to, like, go in waves and when you feel like that and not to bring it back to my wedding, but we're going back to my wedding. And, like, people that listen to this probably know that I post, like, I postpone my wedding entire year, and a lot of people acted like I was calling off my wedding. And it's like, no, just, I want to save her, and I can't save her this year. Like, I'm not in a place to savor it, so I need to put it off until it can be what I want it to be. And it's okay to do that. It's okay to say, like, now, this year, I'm not hosting Christmas, y'all.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:39:12

Like, I'm not doing Thanksgiving. I'm not doing a new year's party. Like, whatever. I'm not doing. I'm not even doing new year's this year. I'm going to bed early, and that's okay. Like, okay, yes, we'll give you permission. You have Mara and Shawna's permission to say, not doing it.

Mara Derikx [: 00:39:27

Not doing it, or I'm doing less. Yeah.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:39:30

Yeah. This year is my year off, so that next year I can actually savor and enjoy and really, like, give my all into this. So. Yes, absolutely.

Mara Derikx [: 00:39:39

Like, I told my siblings, because I don't know if it's, like, being the oldest thing. Every time it's my parents, like, christmas gifts, it falls on me. Everyone's texting me, what are we getting mom and dad? I'm like, guys, we are, like, full blown adults. Why is it always up to me? So after last year, I was like, next year, I'm nothing involved. You guys figure it out, and then just tell me what I owe, and I can eat transfer, and then that way, it's one less, two less things I have to think about. Like, seriously, I like it.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:40:08

Nice job. Good boundary. Good job. Was that last year you said that, or is that.

Mara Derikx [: 00:40:13

No, I did it last year, and then after that, I was like, oh.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:40:17

So we had the extra on your outcome. Okay, I want to hear the outcome. I'm like, is it too early for the outcome? Okay, it's too early for the outcome.

Mara Derikx [: 00:40:23

I'll let you know.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:40:24

Okay, you'll let us know? You have to come back next year so we can find out that turns out. I want to hear how that turns out. I like it. I like it. Awesome. This has been so valuable. Do you have anything that we haven't covered that you feel like will be useful information or tips for everyone they need to hear?

Mara Derikx [: 00:40:38

Okay, let's see. Okay, so here's a really simple cocktail that I love making at Christmas time, like, these holiday times, because it looks super festive. It's, like, red and bubbly. It's delicious, and it's super easy. And that is Kira Royale. So cure royale is made with creme de cassis. So it's a liqueur that's, like, made with black currant?

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:41:01

Yes.

Mara Derikx [: 00:41:02

And you pour it in a champagne glass, so the bottom is, like, half an ounce of creme de quesis. And then you top it with champagne, and then you throw a BlackBerry in there, and it looks, like, super duper festive. And why I like it when I'm hosting is that I can prep, like, the flute glasses with the creme de cassis, like, on a tray before everybody gets there. And then when guests arrive, I can take the champagne that's cold, pour it on top, and serve it, and boom. Guests have, like, a really nice holiday cocktail. That was easy.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:41:29

I love it. And the funniest thing is that we actually bought creme de cassis at a store because our wedding was, like, planned for, like, three, like, so long. Like, our wedding was. We bought some of that, and you're making me remember because we've moved, so now I gotta figure out where it is. We bought some of that for the wedding and then never used it because I just don't remember we bought it now. I had to have a holiday party and get it out. I remember we did buy that. That is brilliant.

Mara Derikx [: 00:41:55

Yeah, you can buy those pretty little, like, skewers, you know, like, holiday skewers. And you can skewer some fruit on that. So then, and that's, like, all ready to go. And then you just top it with your champagne and you have a nice bubbly drink.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:42:07

Beautiful. Yeah. Because we tried it and we loved it. And I have, like, I actually love, I'm not going to name of it, but I like a sparkling wine, a certain sparkling wine that I love. And we serve that at our wedding, but I think we're all out of it. I actually gave, because somebody else was just, like, going, how about the best? And we got gold bottles of the kind that I like. So we have gold bottles at our wedding. I gave the last, because somebody was, like, all excited about, I gave them the last bottle of the gold bottle.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:42:30

So we need to get some more of it. But that sparkling wine, I love that. So that we should use that and do that. But I had forgotten we didn't serve that at our wedding and you just reminded me that we bought that. I'm like, where is that bottle, that creme? Because you got, like, two bottles of the creme de Quincey because of that.

Mara Derikx [: 00:42:43

Yep.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:42:43

Good reminder. There you go, isn't it?

Mara Derikx [: 00:42:46

And then the other thing, if you need a little bit of a boost, you need a little bit of help during the holidays. I am going to be doing, like, a holiday prep challenge in November. So it's going to be, like, over ten days and I'm going to send, like, little challenges to get done. So as you do them each day, it will get you one step closer to being ready to host. That way we're not in that frantic panic at the end, like, the last two days before people come, you've actually been doing things all along so that when they come, you can answer the door, relax, and really enjoy yourself.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:43:17

And that's so beautiful because I feel like that's bringing the joy back, like, spreading it out so that you can enjoy the tasks. Because I think most of the people I know, most of the women I know love this stuff, but it's when you have to cram it in and get it done because people are showing up and it's an expectation and it's a stressor that it's not fun and it's when you can, like, spread it out and actually, like, do this fun thing that you're doing because you love creative and you love these beautiful things and getting the spirit, and then it's joyful and fun. So I think that that's an actual answer to that question, too, is being part of your challenge. I love this. Thank you. We'll definitely make sure that when we get more info to how to get involved, we'll put that in the show notes. That's beautiful.

Mara Derikx [: 00:43:58

Okay, great.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:43:59

I love that. Perfect. You are such a gift. And unfortunately, you don't live everywhere, but you do local things where you live on occasion, too.

Mara Derikx [: 00:44:11

I do, yeah. I do workshops because I used to have a cake decorating business as well. So it seems like these cupcakes and cookie decorating workshops are like, a thing now, so. And I love doing them because I'm teaching you, like, little tips and tricks to just kind of level up your cupcakes or your cookies. So that's something that I do, but it's mostly local. I'm sorry.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:44:33

No, that's okay. That's okay. But, like, if you're local, tell me again where you're in Canada, because I know you're in Canada, but where is local to you?

Mara Derikx [: 00:44:39

I'm like Windsor, Essex county. So, like, southern Ontario.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:44:43

Okay, so if you're in southern Ontario, then you get the advantage of getting this in person and one day, but your YouTube channel has a ton of tips and tricks and you just need to do more stuff online. Teach these online. First things I know.

Mara Derikx [: 00:44:58

I have so many ideas for the YouTube channel. I have so many ideas. So it's coming.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:45:04

Yeah. You have so much to offer. You are such a joy. Like, joyful. And I love you're the joyful hostess because again, every time I get to joyous, I think Mara, I think joy. I love it. I love it. And so following along and do that is wonderful.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:45:14

And we do always have our thing that we do on the questions we talk about, like, what do you do for self maintenance? Because you do balance a lot. Like, our listeners, we think of you and think of you as just being this wonderful gift to hostessing and entertaining and helping us put the connection and joy back into entertaining. But you also work full time and do this as well. So you are just amazing that you met balance all this. So what do you do to take care of you while doing all these wonderful things?

Mara Derikx [: 00:45:42

Okay, so a couple things. I think I said this the last time, but it still applies this time is journaling helps me tremendously. I feel like that's a great place to kind of, like, turn inward and check in with myself. So journaling daily. And then also what I've been doing is getting outside, just getting outside in nature and actually making time to get outside because I've spent so much of my life in tech, like, screen inside world that getting outside sometimes is exactly the refresh that I need. And getting outside alone so you can just. I'm not listening to a podcast. I'm not listening to the grit show.

Mara Derikx [: 00:46:22

The grit show is perfect. When I'm getting ready in the morning, when I go for my walks, it's like nothing. I'm just like listening to outside. Yeah, I would say nature and journaling.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:46:32

That's fabulous. I love it. And so tell us the name of the YouTube channel.

Mara Derikx [: 00:46:37

Joyful hostess.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:46:38

Perfect.

Mara Derikx [: 00:46:39

On YouTube?

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:46:39

Yeah, on YouTube. And your website?

Mara Derikx [: 00:46:41

Joyfulhostess.com.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:46:43

And you on Instagram.

Mara Derikx [: 00:46:45

Guess what I'm going to say. Joyful hostess.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:46:48

I'm going to guess.

Mara Derikx [: 00:46:48

Joyful hostess.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:46:49

Joyful hostess. Joyful hostess. We'll have all those up in the show notes is you guys can click on the link as well. But thank you so much, Mara. You are such a gift and I think you're going to add so much to the holidays and just to the framework of thinking. Like I said, my wedding I feel like was better because you and I have connected. And I am so grateful for you. So thank you for all you do.

Mara Derikx [: 00:47:08

Well, I'm grateful for you too, Shawna. Thank you so much. I always have a good time here.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:47:11

Thank you. Yes. I value the time we shared together today. Thank you for making time to be here and to continue taking steps towards growth and bringing more ease into your life. I'd love for us to stay connected on Instagram at @shawnapodcasts or @the.grit.show. There's even a link in bio at @the.grit.show where you can send me an email to let me know what you thought. Today's episode, hearing from you helps to make the effort that goes into producing these episodes worthwhile. After all, you're why I'm here.

Shawna Rodrigues [: 00:47:52

And since it's been a while since you've heard this, you are the only one of you that this world has got. And that really does mean something. I hope you realize that I'll be back again soon. And I hope you're following along or subscribed so that you'll know and be here too.